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If we're parents of young children, it's hard to imagine a time will come when we’ll need to knock before entering their room. But sooner or later, that day will come—along with many questions and concerns.
We came across an article where experts and parents share their views on why knocking on the door matters, when we should start doing it, and how to balance our child’s need for privacy with their safety. Practical tips are also offered for building trust while maintaining open communication.
When Should We Start Knocking on Our Child’s Door?
Clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Strohman shares her advice on when to start knocking based on the age of your child:
Young Children (1–3 years)
At this stage, parents shouldn’t worry about knocking before entering their child’s room.
"There’s no need for privacy during this phase of development," says Dr. Strohman.
"The parent enters the room freely to ensure the child’s safety."
School-Age Children (4–10 years)
When children reach school age, they begin to see themselves more consciously and need more personal space.
"Although they may not seek privacy the same way older kids do, you can start knocking before entering—especially if they are playing, reading, or spending time alone," says Dr. Strohman.
Of course, safety remains important—if you suspect your child is hurt or in danger, it’s okay to enter without knocking.
Preteens (11–12 years)
During this phase, children start to crave much more privacy, and parents should give it to them when possible.
This is usually the time when knocking becomes necessary.
"They’ll want more privacy, but they still need (though they may not admit it) support from their parents," says Dr. Strohman.
Teenagers (13–18 years)
When children become teenagers, it's crucial to respect their privacy as much as possible. Parents should make it a habit to always knock before entering a teen’s room.
"Teens are trying to figure out their social identity, how to build new relationships, and often enjoy having conversations or personal space away from family," explains Dr. Strohman.
"This final phase is really about building mutual respect—acknowledging their right to privacy while keeping communication channels open."
Why Does Privacy Matter in a Child’s Development?
"Providing safe and age-appropriate levels of privacy is vital for developing autonomy and independence," says Dr. Kelsey Latimer (psychologist and specialist in eating disorders).
Even in younger children, moderate amounts of solitude are helpful.
But during the preteen years (11–12), privacy becomes especially important.
"At this age, kids often begin to assert independence in a way that demands privacy—they may no longer want parents to know every part of their life. This is useful for the normal process of separation and individuation."
Dr. Strohman adds: "Giving your children more privacy helps them develop independence, self-control, resilience, and emotional strength. However, there are times when giving too much personal space isn’t the best choice—such as when the child engages in risky behaviors that endanger their safety or well-being."
What Do Parents Think?
It’s normal to go through a transition period where you’re unsure if it’s time to start knocking. It’s also normal to feel some resistance.
Dana Kampman, a single parent of two teenagers and founder of With Teens, shares that when her kids became preteens, she noticed they wanted more privacy.
Still, like many parents, it took her a while to fully accept that.
"At first, I resisted," she says. "I wanted to say, ‘This is my house.’ But over time, I realized how important it was for them to have a place in this house that was just theirs—their room. The change happened slowly, but it’s one of those small shifts that makes a huge difference. My kids quietly grew up."
Dr. Latimer adds: "Most parents naturally start giving their children more privacy as they grow, including routinely knocking on doors. But every child is different, and everything in psychology and development comes down to ‘it depends.’
So, when deciding whether to knock, parents should observe their child and consider their maturity, unique privacy needs, and what is safe or not at that particular age and moment."
What Are the Psychological Consequences of Not Knocking?
If you don’t knock before entering your child’s room, it can potentially harm your parent-child relationship.
It all comes down to building and maintaining a foundation of trust.
"If the child asks for privacy and it’s not respected, you lose their trust in the relationship," says Dr. Strohman.
Ignoring their need for personal space can lead to feelings of helplessness, resentment, and anxiety.
The consequences go beyond a simple lack of trust.
Refusing to give your child privacy when they need it can stop them from confiding in you and from feeling comfortable being themselves.
"If a parent harshly ignores a child’s desire for privacy and boundaries without listening or communicating, it often leads to other problematic outcomes—either rebellion or the child feeling like they have no voice," says Dr. Latimer.
A Few Tips for Parents
Whether it’s too early to knock or that time has already come, the most important thing is to have open and clear communication with your child. This way, everyone feels respected, expectations are clear, and your bond stays strong.
Here are a few tips from Dr. Strohman:
Be Transparent
Once it’s time to start knocking, establish clear rules and boundaries about what’s expected in different situations.
For example, you might say:
"We’ll knock before entering your room—except in an emergency or when we need to check on something important."
This helps kids understand that their privacy is respected, but safety and communication are still priorities.
Go Gradually
If your child is entering the preteen phase, look for signs that they’re ready for more privacy. Parents can gradually allow more freedom, while the child shows responsibility. Let them have time to reflect, study, or relax without interruption—unless it’s necessary.
Check In Emotionally
Remember, giving your child privacy doesn’t mean you stop connecting with them.
Even while respecting their space, make sure to be emotionally present in their life.
Stay connected through text messages, car rides from school, or talking in ways your child finds comfortable.
Just don’t forget to do it regularly—because even big kids need their parents.
In Summary
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You don’t need to knock before entering a young child’s room, but as they grow, their need for privacy increases, and knocking becomes appropriate.
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Respecting a child’s personal space is essential, as it builds trust and supports healthy development.
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In situations involving danger or emergencies, don’t hesitate to enter without knocking.