Conflicts During the Teenage Years: How to Help as a Parent

How Should Teenagers Eat?

The teenage years are a time of intense change related to physical, emotional, and social development. These turbulent transformations are difficult to accept and give rise to many emotions in adolescents. For this reason, it’s completely normal for conflicts to often arise—both within the family and with friends—and even for teens to have inner struggles with themselves.

Conflict resolution skills help teenagers navigate the world around them, which is not easy, experts say. No matter how difficult puberty may be, there are ways you, as a parent, can support them in dealing with and resolving challenging situations.

Common Causes of Conflict During the Teen Years

Peer pressure.
A key part of adolescence is setting boundaries and seeking greater independence. This, in turn, can make teens more vulnerable to pressure from their peers. There are times when a child doesn’t want to be influenced or follow someone else's ideas, but is unable to express their will for fear of being rejected by others.

Bullying.
Unfortunately, bullying is common during adolescence, and being a target of bullying is harmful both physically and emotionally. No one is to blame for being bullied, but having effective conflict resolution skills can help lessen its impact and lead to quicker problem-solving.

Strained family relationships.
As teens grow older, conflicts with family members often increase. In many cases, tension arises from the teen's desire for more independence. Effectively addressing these conflicts can help both teens and parents find a healthy balance between the need for autonomy and the importance of safety and responsible behavior.

Teenagers and the World Around Them

Conflicts often arise due to teenagers’ intense emotions, their developing ability to think abstractly, and their desire for more independence as they begin to discover and understand themselves.

Experts explain that during puberty, adolescents become increasingly focused on the world around them—political, cultural, and social topics. They begin to form their own opinions on these issues and try to understand their emotions.

In addition, experts note that today’s teens have faced another challenge—the COVID-19 pandemic. The lack of in-person contact with peers, home isolation, and reliance on digital communication have had an impact on children and their social relationships.

Some of the greatest challenges the pandemic posed for teens were death and the sense of losing loved ones—problems they may not have encountered before, experts add.

Key Conflict Resolution Skills

As parents, we can help our teens learn to better understand their emotions and express themselves. Here’s what psychologists advise:

• Give them space: Sometimes, the best approach is to give your teen a few minutes to calm down. Let them go to their room and be alone, but at the same time, reassure them that you’re nearby and ready to talk when they’re ready.

• Use “I” statements: Experts recommend using “I” statements to express how you feel without making your teen defensive. For example, say “I feel upset when…” instead of “You upset me when…”. This encourages dialogue without blame and promotes healthy communication.

• Listen and show understanding: Listen when your teen opens up to you and help them feel safe and comfortable in doing so.

• Teach your teen to reflect: Encourage curiosity about their behavior and its consequences without lecturing or judging. Ask them, “What do you think might happen if…?”. Questions like this can help teens understand their thoughts and emotions before acting. Also, before giving advice, you can ask, “Would you like to hear my opinion?” and respect their decision if they say “no”.

• Talk and compromise: After discussing the conflict, think about how to move forward. It may take time and conversations, but it benefits both of you, showing that you're not attacking the other person but looking for a solution that works for everyone involved.

How to Help Teenagers?

• Help your teen recognize their own triggering behaviors—certain words, tone of voice, etc.

• Teach your teen to notice physical signs that appear when a conflict is escalating. Encourage them to observe what’s happening—are they sweating, blushing, feeling a racing heartbeat or pulsing in the chest, head, or stomach?

• Often, when both sides are involved in a conflict and tensions are rising, the best solution is to take a breath and allow time to calm down. Otherwise, the conversation is unlikely to be productive.

• Create a list of relaxation techniques. Some teens enjoy journaling, writing poetry, lyrics, or rhymes. Others prefer drawing, listening to music, or reading. Experts recommend that teens find what works best for them.

How to Manage Intense Emotions During Conflict?

Awareness of one’s thoughts and feelings is very important. The goal is not for teens to deliberately suppress negative emotions, but to learn to observe the full range of their sensations.

Deep breathing is one way your teenager can feel more mindful (a practice where a person focuses on the present moment without judgment or distraction from the past or future. Its main goal is to help us let go of automatic reactions and respond to situations more consciously and calmly). It’s simple, can be practiced anywhere, and offers a few moments to slow down, reduce tension, and gain perspective.

The technique is simple—inhale through the nose, feel the air expand the diaphragm, and release the breath through the mouth. When letting go of the breath, the teen should imagine that they’re also releasing the tension and letting it go.

Sometimes, before an important conversation, teens can rehearse what they want to say, whether in front of a mirror or with a close friend or relative. They can also record themselves on their phone to make sure their tone is appropriate, experts suggest.

They add that it’s important for teens to feel the support they need in difficult times. That’s why it’s helpful for them to talk to people with whom they feel safe and calm.

If you believe your child needs professional help, consider seeking support from a therapist. The therapeutic space should help a person feel safe and be a place where they can express themselves, reflect on their thoughts and emotions, and discover new ways to cope in difficult situations.