For us, parents, the most important thing is for our child to be well and happy. During puberty, teenagers experience their first romantic feelings, and that’s where our worries begin—Is this person right for our teen? Are they treating them well? Are they making them happy? Sometimes, for various reasons, we don’t approve of our child’s partner. Here are a few tips on how to approach such situations.
Avoid Being Judgmental
During adolescence, teens experience heightened emotions, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Any criticism can be deeply hurtful. That’s why, in order to avoid creating a rift in our relationship with them, we need to be careful in how we approach their romantic involvement. Instead of immediately criticizing or judging, it’s better to show curiosity and initiate an open and honest conversation.
Self-Reflection Is a Good Idea
It’s important to take the time to ask ourselves: Why don’t I like my teen’s partner? Is there a specific behavior that puts us off? Are there values we believe they lack? Or are we simply reacting based on our own biases and expectations?
Sometimes our disapproval may stem from differences in religion, race, appearance, gender or gender expression, hobbies, or socioeconomic status. We must be honest with ourselves—none of these, on their own, are valid reasons to disapprove of a relationship.
However, if we observe more serious red flags such as disrespectful behavior, signs of manipulation, or an overall unhealthy relationship dynamic, then it’s completely natural to want to protect our child. The key is to ensure our concerns are based on facts, not assumptions.
Be Careful With Unsolicited Advice
Direct criticism and unsolicited advice rarely work. No matter how well-intentioned we are, it’s likely our teen will simply ignore us. In fact, our disapproval may even make them feel more drawn to the partner and more determined to pursue the relationship we hoped would end quickly.
Asking Questions Is Key
It’s important to understand what our child thinks about the relationship. What does it mean to them? What draws them to this person? The questions we ask should be tailored to their unique situation and cover what we’re genuinely curious about, such as:
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How did you meet?
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What interests does your partner have?
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What do you enjoy doing together?
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What exactly do you like about them?
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What’s your favorite thing about the relationship?
We should listen carefully to their answers without interrupting. Instead of immediately sharing our concerns, it’s better to keep asking open-ended questions. Teens can tell when we’re trying to point out flaws or prove the relationship isn’t right.
We Need to Trust Our Teen
At the end of the day, we’ve raised our child—put in the work to instill values and critical thinking. That’s why we need to trust they are capable of making good decisions. Teens need the space to walk their own path and make independent choices.
Unless there’s a serious concern for their safety, it’s best to keep our opinions to ourselves and provide space and support so the teen can reach their own conclusions. Chances are, they know better than we do what kind of person or relationship suits them.
Invite the Partner to Your Home
Take the time to get to know your teen’s partner. Invite them over for lunch or dinner, observe how they interact, and look for positive traits you may have missed. You might be pleasantly surprised. This is a good way to learn more about both the partner and the relationship.
Look for the Positives
Everyone has good qualities. That’s why we should try to see the relationship through our teen’s eyes—what do they see in this person, what draws them to them? Understanding their perspective can help us be more accepting.
Be Mature and Kind
No matter how much we may dislike our teen’s partner, it’s important to remain respectful and kind. Hostility and cold behavior will only be met with the same from our child. Being welcoming helps the partner feel comfortable, and that’s when their true personality is likely to shine through. Starting a conversation or giving a compliment can go a long way in creating a positive atmosphere.
If the couple feels comfortable in our home, it will be easier for us to observe the relationship, and our teen will be more likely to turn to us for advice or support.
Keep the Long-Term Perspective in Mind
Even if we believe the partner is completely wrong for our child, we shouldn’t jump in to change things. Realistically, very few teenage relationships last. Most of them end within weeks or months, once the initial spark fades or someone else comes along. It’s good to keep this in mind.
Respect Your Teen’s Personal Space
It’s important for adolescents to learn how to make independent choices and take responsibility for them. They need freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. If we try to control or end their relationships, we risk disrupting their development and undermining their confidence and autonomy.
By giving teens personal space, we give them the opportunity to discover who they are and what kind of partner suits them. It also helps them understand what they want—and don’t want—in romantic relationships, which is important for their future.
Important!
Many teens—and even some young adults—deeply care about their parents’ approval, even if they claim otherwise. We should keep this in mind when discussing their relationship and avoid trying to control or pressure them.
Threats Don’t Help
Ultimatums are never a good strategy—they only push teens away. If they continue the relationship and we impose conditions, they’re far less likely to confide in us or come for help. Instead, they may fear we’ll say “I told you so” or be disappointed in them.
No matter how much we dislike the relationship, we should avoid threatening our teen to make them end it. That approach is controlling, forceful, and rarely effective.
Open Communication Helps
Our child should always know they can come to us when something’s wrong—without fear of being judged. They need to feel respected and safe with us, and to know that even if we think differently, we will always be there to help. Open communication helps us stay connected to their life and strengthens our bond with them.
Don’t Skip the Conversation About Sex
The topic of sex is important—even if we've already discussed it with our teen before, it's good to revisit it once they’re in a relationship. Being informed allows adolescents to experience a healthy and safe love life, as they’re more aware of the rules and risks. These conversations may be uncomfortable for both sides or your teen may pull away—but that’s why your approach matters.
Abuse Is a Reason for Parental Intervention
An exception to the “don’t interfere” rule is abuse. If we observe any form of abuse—physical or emotional—and fear for our child’s safety, we cannot remain passive. In such cases, we need to help our teen end the relationship.
In more serious situations, police involvement, restraining orders, or other legal actions may be necessary. It’s important for the teen to know there are resources they can turn to if they become a victim of abuse—and that we, as parents, will always stand by them and never blame them.