Teenagers are immersed daily in almost constant communication with their peers thanks to social networks. For your teenager, this communication is very important for building a sense of belonging, self-esteem, and independence. Like adults, communication can be accompanied by both positive and negative emotions. Young people encounter different forms of mistreatment, or they themselves may show such behavior toward others. To better understand our growing children, it is helpful to know about their relationships with the world, including online.
The internet vividly reflects the lives of young people, and social networks reveal relationships in a new way. But what kinds of relationships are teenagers getting involved in?
First and foremost, we must not forget that most teenagers are generally engaged in positive communication with each other, even when using new technologies. Such examples can guide parents toward recognizing the strengths of the developing person — a sense of humor, building trust, giving and receiving help, sharing important moments, and good self-esteem. However, we often pay more attention to negative examples because they scare and confuse us.
Interestingly, where adults see only bullying, teenagers often see something else. Today, the phenomenon of online bullying is widely discussed. It is important to pay attention to difficult topics, but it is also important to distinguish between different phenomena in the world of teenagers because not every rude act online or offline is bullying. Generalizing can seriously undermine trust with the teenager. Young people often admit feeling discouraged to share with adults because they expect an excessive reaction, “making a mountain out of a molehill,” without understanding the nature of their relationships with peers. Often, teenagers do not recognize themselves in their parents’ comments about the internet, their peer group, or the “youth lifestyle,” so they prefer to take an opposite position to balance things out. This creates an artificial gap between generations where there should be deserved trust — that the teenager can cope and that the parent can understand.
Bullying consists of persistent and ongoing actions that cause physical or psychological harm to a person who is unable to defend themselves. Bullying has not changed with social networks, but it is true that they allow it to expand on a much larger scale — far beyond the school and immediate environment. The exchange of insults or harsh and malicious attacks is an interpersonal conflict involving many different participants in different roles. It is an unpleasant and painful experience, but there is not always a participant who exploits a dominant position over someone unable to defend themselves. Often, the first insult triggers retaliation to restore justice, but actually leads to a chain reaction of new harsh actions from both sides.
Teenagers post insulting comments, mockery, and malicious gossip for several reasons other than the desire to bully. One is performing conflict in public — a phenomenon popularized as “filming.” Filming can have several goals, which are especially important at this age. The first is creating a sense of prestige and acceptance. In this case, there often is no clear victim or bully; it is about competition between teenagers. However, this does not mean that young people know how to handle this situation successfully in a way that will not negatively affect them later. The second reason is entertainment. Some teens admit they sometimes spread gossip and comments just to see what happens and to watch the “show.”
This leads to a second form of insults that differs from bullying — joking. Jokes also create an image and provide general entertainment, which serves as a universal excuse for any insult caused. Insults hurt but are not taken deeply because the roles of joker and target are continuously exchanged. However, if the roles remain the same, it can no longer be called “jokes,” and it is important to understand what is happening and how the consequences for those involved can be reduced.
Conflicts are related not to technology but to relationships, and good relationships require skills.
Every parent shows their child what relationships with people in the world look like — a life partner, family members, friends, acquaintances, strangers. Teenagers have many skills but still need support in life situations and choices. They need space to critically reflect on their behavior and how it affects others. They also need practiced ways to cope with mistreatment in a healthy way — sports, talking with a friend, poetry, walks, hobbies. It is important in difficult situations to rely on teenagers’ strengths as opportunities for recovery even after hard experiences.
Whether parents choose to be friends with their children on social media or not, they can use the opportunity to talk about important life issues through their internet behavior, which remains their behavior in most life situations.
This article refers to data from research and interviews in Danah Boyd’s It’s Complicated — http://www.danah.org/itscomplicated/
Two helpful books about communicating with teenagers are Teacher Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon and Your Competent Child by Jesper Juul.